CEO Blog
Well well what can I say? When People Say What They Mean But Don’t Mean What They Say
Human communication is a strange, slippery thing. Most of us assume if someone says what they mean, the message is clear. But things are more nuanced. There are moments—more common than we’d like to admit — when people say what they mean in a literal sense yet still don’t mean what they say in the deeper, emotional or social context. It’s a contradiction revealing just how layered human language really is.
Let’s dig into what this paradox means, why it happens, and how to spot it in everyday life.
At face value, “saying what you mean” sounds like the gold standard of honest communication. It implies clarity, sincerity, and directness. For example:
• “I’m fine.”
• “I’ll think about it.”
• “That’s interesting.”
These phrases might be truthful in a technical sense. “I’m fine” might mean someone isn’t in immediate distress. “I’ll think about it” might be a promise to revisit a decision later. But often, the true meaning lies elsewhere.
Here’s where things get murky. Someone might say “I’m fine” and technically mean they’re functioning, but what they really mean is “I’m upset and don’t want to talk about it.” That’s the emotional subtext—the real message behind the words.
This kind of double-layered communication is especially common in:
• Conflict avoidance
• Polite society
• Workplace diplomacy
• Romantic relationships
Why do people do this? Because raw honesty isn’t always socially acceptable, safe, or helpful in the moment. So we disguise it. We coat it. We soften it.
Common Examples in Real Life:
• “We should catch up sometime.”
Translation: I don’t have plans to see you, but I want to end this conversation on a polite note.
• “No worries, it’s fine.”
Translation: I’m still upset, but I don’t want to escalate the situation.
• “Do what you want.”
Translation: You absolutely should not do that, but I don’t feel like arguing.
In each case, the speaker may be technically saying what they mean in the moment—but they’re not saying what they truly feel.
These mixed signals matters and can lead to confusion, miscommunication, mixed messages, and even resentment. If one person hears the literal meaning while the other assumes the subtext is understood, they end up speaking past each other.
Think of it like two people using the same dictionary but reading from different editions.
Understanding that people often don’t fully mean what they say—even when they say what they mean—can help us:
• Practice empathy
• Ask better questions
• Listen more attentively
• Avoid jumping to conclusions
So can these communication pitfalls be averted? Perhaps. Try paying attention to tone and body language. These often reveal the real message. Ask clarifying questions. “When you say you’re fine, do you really mean that?”
Create a secure place where these discussions can take place. People are more likely to express their true feelings if they feel safe. Check your own patterns. Are you guilty of saying one thing and meaning another? Why?
The human dance of communication can be complex. Saying what you mean and meaning what you say should be simple — but humans are rarely simple. Our words carry layers of emotion, context, history, and expectation. Sometimes we’re protecting ourselves. Sometimes we’re protecting others. And sometimes we’re just trying to survive an awkward social moment. Understanding this paradox is a powerful step toward clearer, kinder, and more conscious communication.